A couple of months ago, it was announced that Sydney Sweeney (Anyone But You, Madame Web) and Amanda Seyfried (Mean Girls, Jennifer’s Body) were in final negotiations to star in the psychological thriller The Housemaid for Lionsgate and director Paul Feig, whose credits include Bridesmaids, Ghostbusters, and A Simple Favor. Now, Variety has learned that Lionsgate is planning to release The Housemaid on Christmas Day 2025.
Sweeney and Seyfried are joined in the cast by Brandon Sklenar (It Ends With Us, 1923) and Michele Morrone (365 Days, Subservience). Based on a successful novel by Freida McFadden, the film has the following synopsis: In The Housemaid, Millie (Sydney Sweeney) is a struggling young woman who is relieved to get a fresh start as a housemaid to Nina (Amanda Seyfried) and Andrew (Brandon Sklenar), an upscale, wealthy couple. She soon learns that the family’s secrets are far more dangerous than her own. Rebecca Sonnenshine wrote the screenplay adaptation.
Feig is producing the film with Todd Lieberman, Carly Kleinbart Elter, and Laura Fischer. Sweeney, Seyfried, and McFadden serve as executive producers with Alex Young.
Lionsgate Motion Picture Group co-president Erin Westerman provided the following statement when the project was first announced: “Part of the fun of the book was imagining the cast while we read it, and Sydney Sweeney and Amanda Seyfried are perfect for Millie and Nina — they’re both mysterious, nuanced, and incredibly skilled at becoming characters who don’t reveal everything right away. We’re thrilled to team them with Paul Feig, who we worked with on A Simple Favor and its upcoming sequel, and has a proven track record of developing stories with dynamic female leads.“
Adam Fogelson, Lionsgate Motion Picture Group chair, added: “I’m thrilled to have The Housemaid join our upcoming slate. A great filmmaker and a great cast with a great script from a great book is a terrific place to start. My prior work experiences with Paul and Amanda have been nothing short of spectacular, and Sydney is as talented and compelling as can be.“
If The Housemaid does well at the box office next December, there’s franchise potential here, as the novel has already received multiple follow-ups: The Housemaid’s Secret, The Housemaid’s Wedding, and The Housemaid is Watching.
Does The Housemaid sound interesting to you, and do you think Lionsgate has made the right choice with the Christmas Day 2025 release date? Let us know by leaving a comment below.
Sony’s PlayStation Portal began its life with a lot of limitations and skepticism. But after a much-appreciated update added the ability to stream PS5 games directly from the cloud, Sony’s PS5 companion has finally secured itself as a worthwhile accessory Sony’s current gen console. It still isn’t a perfect device,…
Sony’s PlayStation Portal began its life with a lot of limitations and skepticism. But after a much-appreciated update added the ability to stream PS5 games directly from the cloud, Sony’s PS5 companion has finally secured itself as a worthwhile accessory Sony’s current gen console. It still isn’t a perfect device,…
A young man sits alone with nothing but his thoughts and his hunger… his hunger to succeed and his hunger for In-N-Out burgers and milkshakes, which he was using to bulk up. Because this man is an actor, not just any actor, he is an up-and-coming movie star with something to prove and he is going to do just that through his artistry and his physicality. No longer would Aaron Johnson be known as the Kick-Ass kid, he was about to be known as the top performer to watch, known as the man who was about to be an A-lister until he was known as Aaron Taylor-Johnson, cuz he decided to take his wife’s last name and confuse everyone on so many levels – especially me! ”I was always told at school that you had to have a backup plan, but all I ever wanted to do was act. There was no plan B for me.” These words, spoken with the raw determination of a dedicated artist, aren’t just a statement— they are as much a manifesto as anything that’s been in the news lately. Aaron Taylor-Johnson has spent his entire career proving that singular focus can transform potential into something great.
From his earliest moments in the spotlight, Taylor-Johnson has been that rare breed of actor who seems to exist perpetually on the precipice of massive superstardom. His career is a fascinating study in potential—always about to break through, yet maintaining an artistic integrity that keeps him from becoming just another Hollywood commodity. And it all began with a spark of determination. That determination became the dedication that reinforced commitments like his physical training to be Quicksilver and his physical transformation to become Kraven the Hunter. Yeah, every time this dude joins a major franchise, we all think, ok this we be the one that really shoots him to the top of the Hollywood food chain but it never really is… he has been living in the almost famous limbo for many years now and just never seems to completely break through to the masses… but that is what makes him so interesting.
Born in High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire, on June 13, 1990, Aaron emerged into a world that would become his stage. He was on a literal stage as early as age six and was already in television movies a few years later. His early roles offered a glimpse into the performer he would become.
Let’s talk about 2003’s Shanghai Knights. A young Taylor-Johnson, playing a miniature Charlie Chaplin, presented something special, a magnetic quality that suggested he was destined for more than just typical child actor roles. Even then, there was something different about him—a spark of something more sophisticated, more intentional.
He proved his versatility early on. He helped set the tone in the intro for 2006’s The Illusionistas a young Eisenheim. Yeah, The Illusionist, the 2006 period magician movie that wasn’t The Prestige.
2008’s Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging, which might win the award for the most British-sounding movie title ever, might seem like a diversion before Aaron Taylor-Johnson settled into his later roles, but it was an opportunity for him to showcase his chameleonic abilities as a romantic interest in a coming-of-age film. He showed he could be charming, vulnerable, and comedic—sometimes all within the same scene. It’s a skill that would serve him extraordinarily well in the years to come.
2009’s Nowhere Boy was the true inflection point. Directed by Sam Taylor-Wood who would later become his wife, the film was more than just another acting credit—it was a transformative moment in his personal and professional life. The performance was raw, emotional, and deeply committed. And since then, he’s been deeply committed to his betrothed, despite stray conversations about the age gap between the two artists from people with nothing better to talk about. In between direct collaborations persists a mutual respect and support that has brought both of their careers to new heights.
The 2010 film Kick-Ass accelerated the seismic shift in Taylor-Johnson’s career trajectory. This wasn’t just a superhero movie—it was a deconstruction of a genre on a major rise. Taylor-Johnson wasn’t playing a hero; he was dismantling the very concept of heroism, bringing a meta-awareness that few actors of any age could manage. The 2013 sequel might not have reached the same critical heights, but it further demonstrated his commitment to characters that refused simple categorization.
Consider also his near-miss with The Amazing Spider-Man in 2012—a role for which he was strongly considered that could have catapulted him into immediate superhero stardom. It seems like since at least then that he’s teetered on the edge of A+ status, but Taylor-Johnson has never been about the immediate, immense gratification. It seems like he’s always been more interested in the long game, in roles that challenge and transform.
After working under Oliver Stone in 2012’s Savages, Anna Karenina showed his ability to navigate period pieces with a nuanced grace. Godzilla in 2014 marked another point where it looked like he could be the next big thing. This role, along with his appearance in the little indie flickAvengers: Age of Ultron, where he humanized the faster-than-life Pietro Maximoff, seemed to signal the start of something even greater.
Presumably, he was too busy with those films, to feature as Christian Grey in the Fifty Shades films, the first of which was directed by his wife, but maybe it would have been weird to direct your husband in that role? Jamie Dornan is a fine actor, but it’s hard to think Taylor-Johnson wouldn’t have elevated even those terrible scripts.
His turn in 2016’s Nocturnal Animals was perhaps his darkest, as a remorseless killer in the meta-story. The performance earned him a Golden Globe Award for Best Supporting Actor, but he somehow wasn’t even nominated for the Oscar.
In 2018’s Outlaw King, Aaron Taylor-Johnson played The Black Douglas, a key commander at Robert the Bruce’s side. His performance was intense and memorable. Also in 2018, he portrayed James Frey, a drug-addicted young man, in A Million Little Pieces. This film was a passion project for Taylor-Johnson, who co-wrote the screenplay with his wife Sam.
After taking on a war drama in The Wall, he joined the cast of Tenet in 2020 saw him in a supporting role as a CIA operative. Christopher Nolan’s complex and ambitious film gave Taylor-Johnson another opportunity to shine.
He played a role in The King’s Man (2021) after turning down the lead role in the 2014 original—another example of his deliberate approach to career management, which contrasts with many other performers we’ve covered, who don’t seem to know the word “no.”
More recent films like Bullet Train (2022) and The Fall Guy (2024) continue to position him as an actor who refuses to be pinned down. His significant but not central roles in these and other films allow him to explore different facets of his talent, but it’s not a stretch to imagine him waiting in the wings, chomping at the bit for his time in an even bigger spotlight.
Recently he misfired with Kraven the Hunter which I’m assuming he thought would be another launching-off point. This thing flopped and ended whatever Sony was trying to do with these stupid spider-man-less villain movies.
We know Aaron can do dark and period, and so can director Robert Eggers, which has spawned excitement for Nosferatu, which promises another opportunity for complete character transformation. 28 Years Later suggests he’s not afraid to step into iconic franchises with massive expectations, and the trailer looks awesome.
One of the questions Aaron Taylor-Johnson can’t seem to avoid lately is about him being on the shortlist for the next to play James Bond—a role that seems almost *ahem* tailor-made for his particular brand of intense, methodical presence and could be just what he needs to make the move from star to icon.
Part of what makes Aaron Taylor-Johnson truly fascinating is his consistent position on the precipice of something greater. He’s way above the level of character actor, but he’s not quite a household name. He’s an artist who seems to be carefully, deliberately choosing a path that prioritizes artistic integrity over pure commercial success. And he also played Kraven.
His choice of roles, his relationship, his very name—everything about Taylor-Johnson suggests a person who refuses to follow the expected narrative. He’s not interested in the traditional Hollywood trajectory. Instead, he’s creating something uniquely his own—a career that’s always about to explode, always on the verge of something momentous.
Consistently hovering between a breakthrough and superstar status, Aaron Taylor-Johnson remains one of the most intriguing actors of his generation. He’s not just an actor waiting for his moment—he’s creating that moment, one carefully chosen role at a time…. except for Kraven.
I’ve said it time and time again, but Christmas is definitely the holiday with the most horror movies centered around it. Classics like Black Christmas which got no sequels, but two VERY different remakes, Gremlins, and Christmas Evil gave way to modern classics like Better Watch Out, Krampus, and Terrifier 3. Then you have the one series that decided to make a whole interconnected universe out of the holiday. With 5 movies that sometimes, rarely, kinda connect with each other and 4 of them out of the way, its finally time to look at the last entry in the series before the quasi remake came out in 2012. I’ve had the pleasure to discuss 1, 3, and 4 in one way or another on the channel and part 5 deserves its flowers too. While two is an awfully good movie, 3-5 can all count as a black sheep and 5 especially has its weird moments both in front of and behind the camera. Time to check to see if the kids presents are magically produced killers as we discuss Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker.
As I stated before, this would be the last in the series until the remake and was released during the height of straight to video production in 1991. This was the third straight film in the series that went that route after the second made next to nothing in theaters. While part 3 was a mish mash of production and distribution, parts 4 and 5 had two through lines in Live Entertainment releasing the movies and Brian Yuzna being heavily involved. In part 4 that involvement was director and story credit with part 5 being screenplay co-author. Boy did he give us a story. Yuzna is a name that most of us recognize but few probably realize how prolific he has been in producing, writing, and directing. Society, the Re-Animator series, Return of the Living Dead 3, Dolls, Suitable Flesh, and The Dentist series he had a hand in one way or another. I did say co-author of the screenplay though and his partner in crime for this particular project was Martin Kitrosser. Kitrosser has had a ridiculous career as script supervisor on every Tarantino movie as well as for movies for James Gunn and Eli Roth. As a director, this is his first of only 4 but his screenwriting credits also include Friday the 13th part 3 and 5, two of my favorites.
Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 is actually a bunch of ideas sewn together. It’s a retelling of Pinocchio, a Lifetime movie about a dad coming back to meet his son, a Santa slasher of sorts, and has weird, multiverse implications for the rest of the series. The boys on The Movie Dumpster did a near 3-hour podcast video on it a few years ago and they were right when they said Yuzna pulled a bunch of scripts he had just lying around, painted a Christmas setting onto the canvas, and unleashed this madness with a reported 250k budget onto the world at large. At times, it is genuinely fun, really bad, so bad its good, and everything in between. The cast isn’t much to talk about except for one very oddly shaped elephant in the room and that’s Mickey Rooney as Joe Petto. Yes, that’s Joe Petto as in Geppetto from Pinocchio. You would think that’s the funniest thing about his involvement in this movie, but it somehow isn’t. The funniest thing, and my favorite thing, is that when the first movie came out, he was overly vocal against turning Christmas and Santa into a horror property and here he is, at times dressed as Santa killing people, collecting a very small check. Love me some holiday horror irony. Also, interesting that he thought Christmas stuff was sacred but it was OK to be a Looney Tunes level stereotype of an Asian man in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. You do you Rooney.
Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 starts with a boy named Derek, played by William Thorne, walking by his parents having sex, and watching for an uncomfortable amount of time, finding a present left to him on the porch and beginning to open it. His father scolds him and sends him to bed before opening the gift and finding a swift death by toy that also lands him eyeball first into a fire poker. The effects here and all through the movie has to be commended for both the time of release and low budget. Looking up that it was Screaming Mad George makes sense as SMG has had one hell of a career. William Thorne only made 4 appearances with two others being on Demonic Toys and Bill and Ted’s Bonus Journey. As a mostly mute performance, some of his expressions really sell both the absurdity of the movie and the fear the boy must be going through.
Two weeks later we get Mom Sarah, played by Jane Higginson of Slaughterhouse fame, and Derek waking up and heading to the local toy store after a visit from the neighbor. That neighbor Kim is played by Neith Hunter who was the star of part 4 of this series and even has the same name while looking very similar. Is this a prequel? An alternate universe? Are we all trapped in a hell of vaguely repeating Christmas horror movies? Who’s to say? We get to the toy store and oh boy is Mickey Rooney going through it. I actually think his performance is fun in a ridiculous way. Then we get Pino, wait that came out wrong, we are introduced to Joe’s son Pino which is obviously short for Pinocchio. With how weird and kinda dumb this movie is it’s not a far-fetched guess to assume that Pino isn’t human and was instead made by Joe but by the time we get there its even more absurd. Noah enters the store to some creepy music and Derek and Sarah head out before Noah leaves with Larry the Larva, the number 961st gift on every kid’s Christmas list in 1991. Pino is played by Brian Bremmer who does a wonderful job here and is also in stuff like Pumpkinhead and Society while still making stuff today.
Noah is played by Tracy Fraim who is also not in a ton. He is one of the leads here but is unfortunately understated and overshadowed by the insanity of the rest of the cast, particularly Petto and Pino. We then get a scene that is put in for two reasons: body count and to stretch this and boy to its already slim hour and 25 minutes. Its fun with whimsically menacing Christmas music and more practical effects shown off with yet more eye trauma for some reason. The next section is what I refer to as the Lifetime movie section with Pino sneaking into the house of Sarah and Derek, Noah dressing up as a mall Santa to see his son, and some light investigating into Petto to confirm he accidentally or maybe not so accidentally made toys that caused inury. Also, at the mall we see one of the best/worst faces from Derek who assumes something is wrong with Santa as well as a little girl asking for a Bride of Re-Animator VHS. VHS tapes were expensive in the early 90s so good for her for shooting for the stars.
We learn that Petto and Pino used to live in Sarah’s house like that’s an excuse for him breaking back in. We also see another present that is put on the doorstep that ends up in the hands of Lonnie who gets Back to the Future wannabe rocket booted right to the hospital. He, and the not teenage teenagers, are added for kill count, violence, and with the couple at least, sex appeal. Noah and Sarah rekindle their relationship where we officially learn of his parentage while Derek is baby sat by the teen girl and her 35 year old boyfriend. Derek has a voyeur kink and ends up seeing these two get hot and heavy as well but it doesn’t last as a more deranged than usual Joe comes into the house wearing a Santa suit and unleashes the toys that he, the toy maker has created. Joe’s back story is that he created a bunch of messed up toys, how they work we will never know, that injured and maybe killed some kids.
Some of these attacking toys he has unleashed seem pretty harmless like the groping hand that looks right out of the Christopher Lee section of Dr. Terror’s House of Horrors, but the others know how to ruin a good time. There are soldiers and a canon who apparently shoot real bullets and a tank that is part of the Guyver who saws and cuts his way through a very unlikeable dude. The girl gets it the worst here though as she takes more punishment than a normal babysitter would. With the bloodiest distraction possible, Joe steals Derek by putting him in a sack like a cartoon character and takes him to his basement. The two adult heroes fight their way through the bottom two levels of the house. With all the weapons and bots at his disposal, Joe sees fit to shoot Noah in the face with a squirt gun that is just water by the way. Its not Joe though as we find out and his face is removed in favor of Pino. Pino’s performance here is great and unhinged even before he turns into a Ken doll and tries to force himself on Sarah.
Derek, Sarah, and Noah fight off Pino who has killed Joe and we get one of those endings where it’s giving us sequel bait. A sequel that would never come. The series has been mostly dormant since this film with a notable exception of the really dark 2012 remake which is a blast. I say mostly dormant because the first two movies in the series seemingly get new Blu-ray and 4K pretty regularly from various physical media outlets. The other 3 have been lumped together, first with a barebones bad quality DVD but later on a wonderful triple pack Blu-ray from Vestron Video that is pretty loaded on special features. Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 is too short and too much fun to not be watched with the rest of the series. At least 3-5. While I’m here and we finally finished the series, I’ll also throw out my ranking of the movies. For me, it goes 1, 4, 2, 5, 3 but they are all worth watching and add up to be the preeminent Christmas horror series. Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 is forgotten, dumb, and should be wound up nearly every holiday season.
A couple of the previous episodes of The Black Sheep can be seen at the bottom of this article. To see more, head over to the JoBlo Horror Originals YouTube channel – and subscribe while you’re there!
A couple of weeks ago, it was announced Adam Scott (Severance) and Danielle Deadwyler (The Harder They Fall) have the lead roles in the darkly comedic thriller The Saviors, which is currently filming in Los Angeles. Kevin Hamedani, who previously directed ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction and Junk, is directing the film from a script he co-wrote with Travis Betz. This one was was featured on the Blacklist way back in 2018, so it’s good to see it finally going into production… and now we know the names of several of Scott and Deadwyler’s co-stars. Deadline reports that the supporting cast includes Greg Kinnear (You Gotta Believe), Kate Berlant (Would It Kill You to Laugh), Nazanin Boniadi (The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power), Ron Perlman (The Instigators), and Colleen Camp (Amsterdam).
The story of The Saviors centers on a suburban couple whose life spirals out of control when they rent their garage to mysterious tenants.
Kinnear’s character is Jim Clemente, an eccentric detective who the couple hires to investigate their new tenants. Berlant is playing Scott’s character’s conspiracy theorist sister, Cleo. Boniadi plays Jahan, one of the mysterious tenants. Perlman and Camp are the parents of Scott’s character, Mr. and Mrs. Harrison.
Matt Smith and Dan Gedman are financing and producing The Saviors under their new shingle of Highway 10. Adam Scott and Naomi Scott are producing for Great Scott Productions, while Nicholas Weinstock and Divya D’Souza do the same for Invention Studios, and Bradley Gallo and Michael Helfant produce for Amasia Entertainment. Deadwyler is an executive producer, as are Alyssa Roehrenbeck and Josh Sathre.
Smith and Gedman provided the following statement to Variety: “Kevin and Travis’ remarkable script is emblematic of the type of film we aim to make at Highway 10 – a compelling mystery with timely themes and unexpected humor. We were passionate that The Saviors would be our new company’s debut feature. Adam and Danielle are both incredible performers, and we are so excited to have them leading this bold and thought-provoking film.“
Weinstock added, “We at Invention are proud – and not embarrassed – to have been producing The Saviors with Kevin and his co-writer Travis and trying to get it made for more than seven years now, before this spectacular cast came together and made us look maybe a little less crazy. The best and boldest things take time, effort, and even exhaustion, especially in these skittish and downsized times; and we couldn’t be more thrilled to see such a brave and all-out awesome movie come to life thanks to the brilliance of Adam and Danielle and this phenomenal creative team.“
And the Scotts had this to say: “We couldn’t be more excited to finally get to make this bold, entertaining movie with the incomparable Danielle Deadwyler and visionary filmmaker Kevin Hamedani. Kevin’s take is wholly unique and we can’t wait to share it with audiences around the world.“
Does The Saviors sound interesting to you? What do you think of the cast that has been assembled for the film? Let us know by leaving a comment below.
Greg Kinnear, Kate Berlant, Nazanin Boniadi, Ron Perlman & Colleen Camp Join Darkly Comedic Thriller 'The Saviors' https://t.co/6TLpySA7Oy
Sony Pictures Classics announced BECOMING LED ZEPPELIN will be released exclusively in IMAX on February 7, 2025, in almost 200 theaters. Ahead of the release, IMAX Theatres will be holding one night only early access screenings in eighteen markets on February 5, 2025. Tickets are on sale for both dates now at imax.com/ledzeppelin. A new trailer for the documentary has just been released.
BECOMING LED ZEPPELIN explores the origins of this iconic group and their meteoric rise in just one year against all the odds. Powered by awe-inspiring, psychedelic, never-before-seen footage, performances and music, Bernard MacMahon’s experiential cinematic odyssey explores Led Zeppelin’s creative, musical, and personal origin story. The film is told in Led Zeppelin’s own words and is the first officially sanctioned film on the group.
The hybrid docu-concert film also unveils a huge amount of rare and unseen Led Zeppelin performance footage. The result is a visceral musical experience that will transport audiences into the concert halls of Led Zeppelin’s earliest tours, accompanied by intimate, exclusive commentary from the famously private band.
Director Bernard MacMahon said: “The cinematic power of IMAX paired with the film’s authentic sound creates an immersive and transportive viewing experience letting audiences feel like they are there, in the venues with the band.”
BECOMING LED ZEPPELIN is a movie that almost didn’t come to fruition – the filmmakers were up against epic challenges, including the fact that hardly any footage from the band’s early period existed. MacMahon and McGourty embarked on a global detective search for material to illustrate the band’s story.
“We spent five years flying back and forth across the Atlantic scouring attics and basements in pursuit of rare and unseen film footage, photographs and music recordings,” writer/producer Allison McGourty said. “Then we transferred each piece of media with custom techniques, so that in IMAX, these 55-year-old clips and music would look and sound like they came out of the lab yesterday.”
“We couldn’t be more excited to be partnering with IMAX and Sony Pictures Classics to bring this film to big screens for all audiences, Zeppelin fans, of course, but also all music lovers and anyone looking for an inspiring, uplifting story with amazing music,” McGourty added.
Tom Bernard, co-president and co-founder of Sony Pictures Classics, said “I had a mind-blowing experience seeing Led Zeppelin for the first time in August 1969 at the Texas International Pop Festival in Grapevine, Texas and it has stayed with me ever since. This legendary group merits a spectacular North American theatrical release of this incredible film! I cannot think of a single movie that more brilliantly draws you into an artist’s story, shows you how their music was made, and makes you experience it as if it was brand new. I know it will be inspirational to young people and legacy defining for generations to come.”
BECOMING LED ZEPPELIN is directed by the award-winning, Emmy and BAFTAnominated Bernard MacMahon (AMERICAN EPIC), and written by MacMahon and BAFTA-nominated producer Allison McGourty. It is produced by McGourty and Paradise Pictures in association with Big Beach, alongside executive producers Michael B Clark, Alex Turtletaub, Cynthia Heusing, David Kistenbroker, Duke Erikson, Simon Moran, and Ged Doherty. Editing is by Dan Gitlin, sound supervision is by Nick Bergh, sound restoration is by Grammy Award winner Peter Henderson, with archival research from Kate Griffiths and Rich Remsberg.
One of the best things about being an adult at Christmas, beyond the fact no-one can shout at you for drinking in the morning, is making your own traditions. One of mine, perhaps I think my most cherished one, is the Muppets Christmas Carol. Specifically, the Muppets Christmas Carol Sing-Along screening at the Prince Charles Cinema just off London’s Leicester Square.
A story of the ills of capitalism, greed and isolationism, The Muppets’ take on Dickens’ classic tale continues to represent the best and truest adaptation of the text. Clever, self-referential and daring, I remain convinced it is perhaps the best thing ever committed to celluloid. As the season returns, the ever relevant question returns of what other classics The Muppets could, and should, add their considerable acting chops to. In the spirit of the giving season, here are ten suggestions.
1. Lord of the Rings
I don’t want to say Peter Jackson is a coward, but his inability to bring to an on-screen conclusion the raw sexual and romantic tension between Frodo Baggins and his ever dutiful ‘gardener’ Samwise Gamgee remains a blight on an almost perfect trilogy.
It’s a tension – nay, a promise! – that could perhaps only be realised through the raw dynamism of Gonzo and Rizzo the rat, stepping in to bring climax to the greatest untold gay love story of our times. The Rings of Power we actually deserved (sorry). Other highlights include Kermit’s Aragorn, Miss Piggy’s Eowyn (I am no man!) and Ian McKellen’s Gandalf continuing to steer the increasingly chaotic ship towards the fiery slopes of Mount Doom.
2. American Psycho
While Luca Guadagnino has apparently found his reboot Patrick Bateman in Austin Butler, he’s really missed a trick. The perfect actor already exists in the form of Sam Eagle. It is, after all, the American way. (Fear not, Jared Leto reprises his role as brutally murdered Paul Allen)
3. Hereditary
Miss Piggy’s version of the ‘I am your mother’ monologue would win the Oscar so cruelly kept from Toni Colette as she struggles to reckon with the decapitation of Robin at the hands of Alex Wolff’s Peter before accidentally immolating daddy Kermit.
4. The Substance
A spin on the classic ‘Keep one human’ Muppets formula – The Substance, but Miss Piggy plays every character. I’ll be taking no more questions.
5. The Godfather
You come to me, on the morning of Fozzie Bear’s Daughter’s wedding? Look how they massacred my Pepe the Prawn. Just get in the fishing boat Gonzo, everything will be fine I promise. Janet’s Appollina will be grieved forever. Al Pacino’s star turn as Michael Corleone, with Kermit’s Tom Hagen and Miss Piggy’s Kay Adams-Corleone is ready to bring the Godfather Cinematic Universe to a whole new generation.
6. Trainspotting
Animal shines as Begbie. Baby Kermit traumatises a whole new generation by posthumously crawling across the ceiling. Fozzie Bear takes a wrong turn post break up and tragically dies from AIDS. The Swedish Chef’s Mother Superior steers the crew down the wrong path. Beaker shits the bed. Ewan McGregor stays. Choose Life. Choose the Muppets.
7. Gone Girl
Ben Affleck stands bereft. Amazing Piggy is missing. Around him, cameras flash. Chief of Police Fozzie Bear stands alongside Miss Piggy’s parents as they make a desperate plea for her to return. Affleck, in a state of shock, poses next to the picture of his wife. He smiles.
8. Wicked
Tell me you wouldn’t want to hold space for Kermit’s Elphaba? Gonzo’s Boc? Sam the Eagle’s Wizard? That Miss Piggy’s ‘Popular’ wouldn’t pop off? Jonathan Bailey, of course, stays.
9. Home Alone
Listen – if we’re gonna retell a classic Christmas story, let’s go with a modern fave. McCauley Culkin stays, fending off Rizzo and Gonzo as the Wet Bandits in increasingly creative ways. Meanwhile, Miss Piggy and Kermit frantically try to get a plane back to their accidentally abandoned son, and Sam the Eagle stuns as Old Man Marley.
10. Nymphomaniac
I decided, in my wisdom, that my first (and thus far only) watch of Lars Von Trier’s sex addiction epic was to be the day after a particularly big weekend. Six hours of increasingly depressing ruminations on the nature of sex, human relationships, power, abuse, and womanhood could only really be made better via the medium of Miss Piggy (which I guess is true of all things).
Remember NFTs? They were this hilariously stupid and obvious scam from 2021, where people—and you’ll laugh—sold the “rights” to jpegs! Yeah, I know, those things you can right-click and make an infinite number of. So silly. Anyway, three years after that all collapsed, Ubisoft has launched a game featuring the grift.
