Top 10? Hell, the only 10! Well not quite, but damn close! We’ve actually tallied a solid list of ten horror/thrillers that happened to be set on Valentine’s Day itself. Now, some spend the entire day reveling in lovelorn lethality, some merely glance past the February 14th date, but in just about every case, old cupid’s shooting an arrow in the head, if not the heart. Ah hell, you’ve heard enough. Here’s the Top 10 Valentine’s Day Set Horror/Thrillers!

#10. LOVERS LANE (1999) 

Before Anna Faris was spoofing SCARY MOVIEs and wooing the world as THE HOUSE BUNNY, she happened to stroll down LOVERS LANE, a listless paint-by-numbers slasher flick about a man who went on an indiscriminate murder spree on Valentine’s Day 13 year prior, only to return to town to stalk and slash the victims’ children, foully disemboweling them with his hook-handed murder weapon. Lovers Lane refers to a place for lovebirds to park their cars and make-out, which is where the sadistic slasher shows up for slaughter (hence the tagline: there is no such thing as safe sex). Now, this is clearly a bad and poorly made movie, but far more fun for ardent slasher completists than one might expect. GET HERE

#9. MY BOYFRIENDS BACK (1993)

I can’t be the only 10 or 12 year old one besieged by the inveterate run of MY BOY FRIEND’S BACK on HBO, can I? Not buying it! Thing is, I always dug the lighthearted tone and slapstick humor, almost playing like the best of a cheesy Tales from the Crypt episode crossed with a zanily cartoonish Sam Raimi flick. It’s a perfect intro for budding preteen horror fanatics. Love that shite! Of course, it would take decades to realize the film was directed by Bob Balaban, bringing his own mordant sense of humor to the flick, a la PARENTS. Granted, it would have been killer to see what Peter Jackson could have done with the script (he was offered to direct). Props to late greats Ed Hermann and Phil Hoffman for appearing in the film, and for Matthew McConaughey for making his big screen debut! GET HERE

#8. VALENTINE (2001) 

No bullshit, I adore VALENTINE far more than most. Yes, it’s abjectly terrible, but so what, it has a damn good bit of fun knowing just how derivatively lame it is. Moreover, the first time you see it, I’d argue the mysterious whodunit element of the plot actually works more than many of its ilk. Look, I love slasher flicks so much that I have the lowest bar of expectations to enjoy one. Just give me a gaggle of deplorably annoying teenagers, a cool location and a unique array of profligate death-styles and I’m a happy boy. To this end, VALENTINE checks off the most basic of slasher film rubrics, boasting a plot-line about a rejected childhood Valentine’s Day suitor out to vengefully vitiate his female deniers decades later. The cherubic Cupid mask is a cute touch, but nothing tops Denise Richards getting drilled by the killer in a hot tub harder than Charlie f*cking Sheen! GET HERE

#7. HOSPITAL MASSACRE (1981) 

Also known as X-RAY, as well as BE MY VALENTINE, OR ELSE, the little known obscure early 80s slasher flick HOSPITAL MASSACRE just might be your required homework assignment for the week. As in, see this f*cking movie stat! Why? It features a vilely vengeful Valentine’s Day subplot, in which a gorgeous gal (Barbi Benton) visits an L.A. hospital for a routine checkup, only to be horrifically hunted by a sick psychopath in O.R. scrubs who she jilted on Valentine’s Day 19 years prior. It’s essentially the plotline for VALENTINE, but directed with beguiling verve by the Israeli madman Boaz Davidson (THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN). Oddly, the movie was made and released in Mexico in 1981 but had to wait until April of 1982 to arrive stateside. Props to Shout! Factory for issuing HOSPITAL MASSACRE on Blu-ray as a double feature with SCHIZOID! GET HERE

#6. PONTYPOOL (2008) 

Okay, so of all the flicks on our list, this one portrays Valentine’s Day with the least amount of romantic prominence. And yet, technically, PONTYPOOL is indeed set on Valentine’s Day, as a deadly viral outbreak threatens the small Ontario town on February 14th. What’s so coolly original here, other than the kickass performance by stellar Canadian actor Stephen McHattie, is how the aforesaid virus is detected through radio transmission, as a shock-jock radio DJ begins filtering ferocious bits of info through his airwaves as the night wears on. Half of the flick takes place in the claustrophobic radio station, the other half in the Canadian frigidity, with the sum total likely equaling the most unique Valentine’s Day horror flick to date, using the unofficial day of love as a background to explore the threat of universal death! GET HERE

#5. DOWN (2019)

We’re happy to report that our most recent Valentine’s Day themed horror flick on the list is qualitatively good enough to rank among the upper-half. True talk, the fifth episode of Hulu Original’s Into the Dark series, DOWN, is a deeply duplicitous two-hander that gets stronger as it progresses, setting up a wildly unpredictable finale that atones for a few early cliché-ridden scenes. Directed by Daniel Stamm (THE LAST EXORCISM), the story centers on a man and women who happened to get stuck in a parking lot elevator afterhours, on a three-day holiday weekend (V-Day coincides with President’s Day here). Of course, it turns out this was no accident at all, but rather an elaborate kidnap and hostage scheme plotted by the man, in order to bed his stalked-upon female obsession. A solid back-and-forth cat-and-mouse match of wits that pays off handsomely and horrifically!

#4. ST. VALENTINES DAY MASSACRE (1967)

Codify it a crime thriller or a gangster picture all you want, the semantic argument does not change the fact that a real life massacre took place at the hands of mafia magnate, Al Capone, in 1929 Chicago. That is, swap the tommy-guns for knives and you’d easily have one of the gnarliest real life horror stories of all time. The gist? Simple. In order to strike his most formidable foe, Bugs Moran, Capone orchestrated a sneak attack, in which he sent his men in hot, guns-a-blazing, disguised as policemen, until his rivals were mowed the f*ck down into a gory morass of bone, blood and viscera. The great Roger Corman directs, but the real reason to see the flick is for the powerhouse performance of the late great Jason Robards as Capone! GET HERE

#3. PICNIC AT HANGING ROCK (1975) 

Few filmmakers have conjured such a mystifying air of ambiguity the way Peter Weir did with his lyrical curio, PICNIC AT HANGING ROCK. Having seen the flick for the first time fairly recently, the story about three students and their schoolteacher suddenly disappearing while taking a walk on Valentine’s Day in 1900 is as fascinating a movie mystery as I’ve ever seen. Part of this is due to the pacing, putting us in a time and place where time moved like molasses, which lends a kind of eerie hypnotic quality to the viewing. The unspeakable haunting of the townsfolk trying to solve what happened feels palpable, and we’re just as vexed trying to piece together the maddening puzzle, all the while steeped in the beauteous Australian idyll! GET HERE

#2. MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D (2009) 

One of the most difficult Original Vs. Remake face-offs we’ve seen in the past has to be that between MY BLOODY VALENTINE and its three-dimensional redo in 2009. It’s a tough call, as certain aspects of Patrick Lussier’s version – about a psycho killer in a miner’s mask slaughtering Pennsylvania townsfolk on Valentine’s Day – actually reigns supreme. The whodunit mystery is just as adroitly maneuvered as in the original, keeping us guessing the identity of the killer all the way to the end. The acting goes a long way toward preserving the mystery, and the resplendent grue of the uncut version rivals the uncut version of the original, where the unflinching profusion of graphic gore was forced to be excised by the MPAA on both accounts. Simply put, MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D is the rare case of a remake being on par with its predecessor, the original of which ranks…

#1. MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981)

…Number one with a mother*cking bullet! Indeed, the one and only definitive Valentine’s Day horror film, George Mihalka’s MY BLOODY VALENTINE really deserves rank as one of the all time best slasher films as well. At least, 1980s slasher flicks, from which the majority of them derive. In addition to brilliantly setting the film on a holiday meant for lovey-dovey romance and horny courtship, thereby subverting the happy holiday in favor of something far more sinister, the setting of an underground mine is a sheer stroke of genius. It gives the murderer reason to don the mining mask, and gives us reason to organically guess who among the miners is moonlighting as a pickaxe wielding murderous madman. The iconic heart-shaped candy boxed filled with a carved out heart, or a gruesomely decapitated head lolling around in a washing machine (both of which were affectionately called back by Lussier in the redo) easily prop MY BLOODY VALENTINE as the most beloved February 14th horror salvo to date! GET MBV ’81 HERE, ’09 HERE

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Last year, we heard that Gene Simmons of the rock band Kiss would be launching a new production company with Gary Hamilton (so the company is appropriately called Simmons/Hamilton Productions), and the first project they had given the greenlight was a shark thriller called Deep Water – with Deep Blue Sea director Renny Harlin attached to take the helm of the film! That film has since made its way through production, and a press release reveals that the cast includes Aaron Eckhart of Harlin’s The Bricklayer, Sir Ben Kingsley (Gandhi), Molly Wright (Netflix’s True Spirit), Angus Sampson (Mad Max: Fury Road), Kelly Gale (Plane), singer and actor Li Wenhan, who is a member of the Chinese-Korean K-Pop group UNIQ, and Nashi (Creation of the Gods I: Kingdom of Storms).

Scripted by Pete Bridges and John Kim, Deep Water centers on an eclectic group of international passengers whose plane, en route from Los Angeles to Shanghai, is forced to make an emergency landing in shark-infested waters. The terrified group is forced to work together and overcome their differences if they hope to escape their sinking plane and the frenzy of sharks drawn to the wreckage.

Arclight Films’ Ying Ye, Gabba Post’s Neal Kingston, Aristos Films’ Grant Bradley and Dale Bradley, and Nostromo Pictures’ Adrian Guerra and Xavier Parache produced the film, while Brian Beckmann and Ryan Hamilton from Arclight Films serve as executive producers alongside Vladimir Artemenko from Top Film Distribution, as well as Rob Van Norden and Johanna Harlin. Arclight Films will be presenting the project to potential buyers at the European Film Market. Filming took place in New Zealand and Spain, wrapping at the end of 2023. Post-production work is being done in Australia.

Harlin had this to say about the project: “Deep Water offered me an epic canvas to work on, which I’ve dreamed of since seeing the original The Poseidon Adventure in a movie theater as a kid in Finland. My superb cast stood by my side valiantly through a rigorous shoot of barrel rolling planes, tidal waves of water and ferocious sharks. This film is my tribute to all the action, imagination, emotion and beauty that made movie making the first love of my life. I can’t wait to show the audiences around the world what an emotional rollercoaster we have created.“

Hamilton added: “Fortune has smiled on us and we are delighted to be working with some of the most talented and creative individuals in the world from New Zealand, Australia, and Spain. We have such a superb ensemble cast led by the talented Aaron Eckhart and Sir Ben Kingsley. With action maven Renny Harlin at the helm, Deep Water is a non-stop thrill ride for the ages, with depth, emotion… and sharks!“

Simmons provided the following statement: “I am pumped and excited to be launching Deep Water as our first project together with Gary Hamilton and the team at Arclight Films. Director Renny Harlin is bold and fearless and is truly in his element in this intense and suspenseful survival thriller – it’s a high-octane, seat-of-your-pants adventure that audiences love.“

Grant and Dale Bradley said they expect the film to become “a great action classic”.

Are you interested in seeing a new shark thriller from Renny Harlin? Share your thoughts on Deep Water by leaving a comment below.

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I’ve known that representation in games mattered ever since that day in 1987 when I finished Metroid and discovered that intergalactic bounty hunter Samus Aran was that rarest of things (for the time): a cool female video-game protagonist. I loved playing as Mario, or Link, or any intrepid hero, but I was particularly…

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I’ve known that representation in games mattered ever since that day in 1987 when I finished Metroid and discovered that intergalactic bounty hunter Samus Aran was that rarest of things (for the time): a cool female video-game protagonist. I loved playing as Mario, or Link, or any intrepid hero, but I was particularly…

Read more…

Welcome to another installment of “What Weird Thing Has Someone Ported Doom To This Week?” This time, it’s a user on Reddit who has translated the game into an audio signal that can be displayed by a spectrogram.

Read more…

Welcome to another installment of “What Weird Thing Has Someone Ported Doom To This Week?” This time, it’s a user on Reddit who has translated the game into an audio signal that can be displayed by a spectrogram.

Read more…

Mark Ruffalo is no stranger to unknowingly spoiling Marvel secrets. He and Tom Holland have a humorous reputation of being the two least trusted actors at the movie studio due to some amusing slip-ups. In 2017, Ruffalo would notoriously accidentally stream the first few minutes of Thor: Ragnarok from the premiere after his pre-show red carpet social media livestream was unknowingly left rolling as the actor put his phone back in his pocket and 2,500 online viewers could hear the live audio of the premiere audience watching and laughing at the jokes from the film.

Recently, Ruffalo attended a Q&A that reflected on his career at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival on Sunday. Anne Thompson, the moderator, asked him if he would be appearing in the upcoming film, Captain America: Brave New World. Ruffalo answered, “Yeah.” and nodded his head. Thompson responded, “Are you allowed to talk about that?” Ruffalo replied, “Yeah. It’s going to be great!” His answer started to catch excitement among fans. However, according to Variety, it was revealed by sources that the Academy Award-nominated actor of Poor Things had misspoken at the Q&A.

Multiple sources have assured Variety that “Ruffalo is not actually going to be in Brave New World. Instead, he misspoke, thinking he was agreeing that Brave New World is one of Marvel’s next films, not that he was going to be in it.” This news walking back the comments does not appear to be coming from Ruffalo himself. Could it be damage control from Marvel Studios? In 2021, prior to the release of Spider-Man: No Way Home, a leaked on-set picture of Andrew Garfield in the Spider-Man suit made its way online, which prompted the actor to deny any claims that he would be appearing in the film. Fast forward to 2024 and Garfield is now known to have a sizable role in that film and the leaked picture was legit.

Captain America: Brave New World was also reported to be going through extensive reshoots after some test screenings and even hired a new writer to punch up some of the script. Perhaps an effort was made to connect the Hulk to the film. Or even just a quick cameo in a post-credits scene like in Shang-Chi.

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PLOT: Cassie Webb (Dakota Johnson) is a New York EMT who acquires clairvoyance after a brush with death. She uses her powers to stop a spider-powered villain (Tahar Rahim) hunting three girls who, he believes, will eventually end his life.

REVIEW: Let’s get one thing out of the way first. Not every Marvel movie by Sony has been bad. For my money, they’re behind the two greatest Spider-Man movies ever made, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse and Across the Spider-Verse. And there’s the Venom movies. Those are elevated B-movies, but they’re a decent amount of fun thanks to Tom Hardy’s merciless scenery chewing, and the grosses for those flicks have been astronomical. Clearly, someone likes them. But Morbius…

Of course, one of the reasons people aren’t hyped about Madame Web is that the character isn’t exactly a household name. For those who aren’t in the loop, in the comic, Madame Web is a paralyzed, blind clairvoyant, which is distinctly not what Dakota Johnson is playing here. She’s already appeared, in a manner of speaking, in Across the Spider-Verse as a guidance counsellor, voiced by Rachel Dratch. 

So it seems Sony’s taken a loose approach in adapting the character to the big screen, which is fine. I think people have been down on it because of the meme-worthy trailer. Those posters, which looked whipped together, didn’t help, with everyone assuming this would be just another B-superhero movie.

So what’s the verdict?

Madame Web is, unfortunately, a big mess. I don’t know exactly what happened, but the four credited writers, who include director SJ Clarkson, aren’t able to make a compelling addition to the Spider-verse. Like so many films of its ilk, it teases the movie fans actually want to see, which is a full-on Spider-Women team-up film, which is something we seemed to be promised by the trailer. Instead, this prequel establishes how Cassie Webb meets the three girls who later become costumed superheroes. There’s not much in the way of super-heroics here at all. Here, they are “teens” hunted by Tahar Rahim’s Ezekiel Sims, who has powers similar to Spider-Man. 

We learn in the opening, which boasts a cameo by Kerry Bishé of my beloved Halt and Catch Fire as Cassie’s mother, that he murderously stole a sacred spider in the Amazon. He acquired certain powers, but they came with a curse. He’s clairvoyant, but he can see his death at the hands of three costumed heroines, who here are played by Celeste O’Connor, Isabela Merced and, hilariously, Sydney Sweeney, who wears thick sweaters and glasses to fool us into thinking she’s 16. Given how much of a star she’s become, audiences may find her playing such a young character unintentionally hilarious, but that’s not the only goofy part of this movie.

It has to be said that some of the dialogue here is ROUGH. It’s jam-packed with so much exposition and references to other Spider-Man characters that it becomes cheesy. Adam Scott plays a guy – whose identity I won’t spoil here – who is a major character in the Spider-Man universe, so his full name is awkwardly said out loud a few times, just in case we don’t get the many hints being dropped, I suppose that’s for the benefit of those whose attention might waver. Fair enough, because that happened to me here more than a few times.

In the lead, Dakota Johnson does all she can but seems an awkward fit for a superhero movie. She’s always seemed more at home with edgier fare, such as the Suspiria remake, but she gives it a go. She gives Cassie some attitude and is entertaining until the abysmal epilogue, where her performance becomes quite campy, which does not bode well for this hoped-for franchise. She’s being set up as the Professor X of the Spider-verse, but I’m not sure the role will fit her well. Merced, O’Connor and Sweeney bring the requisite spunk to their roles and may be excellent choices for a future team-up movie, hopefully allowing them to play the characters closer to their own age.

Of everyone, the only one who comes off poorly is Tahar Rahim. He’s an excellent actor, having delivered a stunning performance in the film A Prophet, but something is very off, with it seeming like a lot of his dialogue was changed in post-production looping. It’s very noticeable and makes him come off as very stiff. 

Indeed, it’s the writing that dooms this smaller-scaled film. Early on, Cassie is established as being on the run from the cops, but she can jet off to Peru without worrying about being caught. The movie is set in 2003, so it can justify the lack of Peter Parker and Spider-Man, allowing them to pepper the film with needle drops that mostly date back years before the film takes place. The only exception is an action scene set to Britney Spears’ “Toxic” because it’s set in the early aughts. You’ve got to have Britney.

Director SJ Clarkson is noted for her excellent TV work, which includes the great Netflix Marvel show Jessica Jones. Still, the style she brought to that is absent here, with some strange choices, including a distracting use of shaky cam that comes in during some dialogue scenes. Perhaps it’s fitting it takes place in 2003, as that style was pretty dominant back then, but it seems bizarre now. Given the modest budget, there’s also very little in the way of action until the finale, which sets up future adventures for the cast. But I don’t know – I doubt anyone will walk out of this with a franchise. 

Ultimately, Madame Web could have been a decent little B-side of a superhero film, but the terrible, cornball dialogue and lacklustre pace doom it early on. To note, the version of the movie I saw had no post-credits scene, so when the credits roll – you’re free! 

Madame Web

BELOW AVERAGE

5

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Eric Idle may have written “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life”, but that doesn’t mean he has taken that into this 80s. Idle went on a social media tear early this week, taking former Monty Python members Terry Gilliam and John Cleese to task.

Posting on X on Monday, Eric Idle confessed that funds have dried up from his Monty Python days, writing, “I don’t know why people always assume we’re loaded. Python is a disaster. Spamalot made money 20 years ago. I have to work for my living. Not easy at this age.” He then pointed to the Gilliams: former Python member Terry and his daughter Holly, who handles management of Monty Python. “We own everything we ever made in Python and I never dreamed that at this age the income streams would tail off so disastrously.  But I guess if you put a Gilliam child in as your manager you should not be so surprised. One Gilliam is bad enough. Two can take out any company.” Idle also confirmed that it was indeed Gilliam that forbids a Spamalot movie from happening.

Monty Python would have numerous reunions following their official 1983 split, including Monty Python Live (Mostly): One Down, Five to Go in 2014, which was notably missing Graham Chapman (as alluded to in the title). Terry Jones would pass away in 2020, leaving just four original members today. That event would also mark one of the last times Eric Idle spoke to John Cleese. As he also wrote, “I haven’t seen Cleese for seven years…It makes me happy.” Ouch…At the same time, Idle did note that he wish he had worked with another troupe at least once: The Muppets. Perhaps he’s a little jealous of Cleese’s appearance on The Muppet Show…?

Unfortunately, it all runs so much deeper than that. It’s always tough to see longtime collaborators not only split but talk poorly about each other. This is especially so now, as all surviving Monty Python members are in their 80s. It would seem a fine time to reconcile, to put aside any issues in the past as they approach their final act. 

When one of his followers suggested that Monty Python be the subject of a Netflix doc that could highlight the tumultuous nature of the comedy team, Idle responded, “F*ck Netflix and f*ck documentaries.” Oh come on, Eric, don’t grumble, give a whistle!

What do you make of the continued feuds within Monty Python? What remains your favorite sketch or scene?

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Woody Allen’s Coup de Chance premiered at the Venice International Film Festival last September, and THR reports that MPI Media Group will release the movie in the U.S. on April 5th, followed by a Digital/VOD release on April 12th.

The film is Woody Allen’s 50th theatrically released movie and has already made the rounds in many European markets. The official synopsis reads: “Fanny and Jean have everything of the ideal couple: fulfilled in their professional life, they live in a magnificent apartment in the beautiful districts of Paris and seem to be in love as on the first day. But when Fanny crosses, by chance, Alain, a former high school friend, she is immediately capsized. They see each other again very quickly and get closer and closer.” The film stars Lou de Laâge (The Mad Woman’s Ball) as Fanny, Niels Schneider (Sybil) as Alain and Melvil Poupaud (In Bed with Victoria) as Jean.

Coup de Chance, which translates to “stroke of luck” in English, received largely positive reviews upon its release at the Venice Film Festival last year, but I would imagine that not everyone is eager to check out Allen’s latest movie thanks to the sexual abuse allegations that have gained more and more attention over the years.

While Woody Allen may not be retiring quite yet, the director isn’t nearly as prolific as he once was, and many mainstream actors have now refused to work with him. Despite this, he has denied that he’s been canceled. “I don’t know what it means to be canceled,” Allen told Variety last year. “I know that over the years everything has been the same for me. I make my movies. What has changed is the presentation of the films. You know, I work and it’s the same routine for me. I write the script, raise the money, make the film, shoot it, edit it, it comes out. The difference is not from cancel culture. The difference is the way they present the films. It’s that that’s the big change.“

Will you be watching Coup de Chance when it’s released in the U.S.?

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