From the director of Frozen… no, not that one… the better one, comes a throwback horror film to the days when slashers were filled with blood, revenge, and bewbs. Join JoBlo Horror as we take you down to the bayou with Adam Green’s Hatchet (watch it HERE).

Welcome to our horror party, kids, where we take some horror films (good or bad) and make a fun game out of it. I’m Mike Conway, and today we break down all the gory bits of Hatchet, released in 2006. Hatchet follows Ben, a recently dumped twenty-something who was taken to a Mardi Gras celebration with his buddies to get over her ex. When Ben decides there’s too much nudity to be had, he and his friend Marcus ditch the group to find a haunted boat tour. However, when their boat gets stranded, they find themselves being hunted by Victor Crowley, a deformed and vengeful ghost. As the group tries to survive the night, they face gruesome and supernatural challenges, with Victor Crowley relentlessly pursuing them.

So, what type of party is this movie? Well, according to our scale, this party promises some old-school fun. And as always, I’ll be making a drink to tie in with the movie:

CROWLEY’S RUM PUNCH

1 ½ OZ SPICED RUM

1 ½ OZ RED WINE

¾ OZ SIMPLE SYRUP

¾ OZ LIME JUICE

¾ OZ TRIPLE SEC

ON CAMERA

Cheers Everyone.

THE RULES

As with any game, there are some basic rules you must follow. For today’s game, take a drink when: – There is a horror cameo – When Ben mentions his ex -When an alligator is shown or mentioned – When you hear the name Victor Crowley – Every time the tour guide changes his accent – When there is nudity -And finally, with any kill.

If alcohol isn’t your bag, there are plenty of other things to choose from. Cannabis if legal in your state, delta 8, 9, 10, or whatever the hell number they’re at now, caffeine, hot sauce, anything. Just know your tolerance. This is supposed to be fun; we don’t want to send you to the hospital. Basically, don’t be a dumbass.

So, with that list, we are going to travel back to 2006, the year that not only saw Justin Timberlake bring sexy back but also the year Adam Green brought the slasher back, and break down exactly why this deserves an entry into our horror party. And it all starts at the beginning. Right at the jump, we are introduced to a father and son on a boat in the swamp. And hey, look, a gator. It may be dead, but drink up anyway. And you may as well keep that glass to your lips because another one pops up right about… here. While the pair are out hunting these bad boys, the son, Ainsley, makes it clear he doesn’t want to be there by taking a piss in the swamp. This, in turn, pisses off the gator, who lunges at Ainsley and nearly ruins his weekend. Still not finished, he hops off the boat into the woods to finish what is apparently the piss of the century. When he returns, he sees his father torn open. While he assumes it was the gator, the POV shot suggests otherwise and chases Ainsley down. The unseen assailant then proceeds to completely rip the guy apart until the swamp becomes quiet. The cold open ends with the opening credits with Marilyn Manson’s “This Is The New Shit” very fittingly blasting through our speakers.

This opening oozes with some of that classic slasher formula we had been missing for quite some time. Characters who bicker at each other? Check. Fake-out jump scares? Check. Killer’s POV? Check. Awesome kills? Double check. From the beginning, Adam Green shows us how passionate he is about slasher movies by introducing us to two characters played by actors who are no strangers to horror. If you ever wondered what happened to Joshua Leonard after he got his teeth removed in The Blair Witch Project, well, here he is… and apparently still missing his teeth. The dad really needs no introduction, as this absolute legend has been responsible for giving us nightmares all throughout our childhoods with Freddy Krueger. And these two aren’t the only horror veterans to show up, but more on that in a bit.

From there, we are thrown right in the middle of Mardi Gras, filled with partying and, by my count, twelve sets of boobs I can’t show here, but take my word for it. Sorry, thirteen. Ben is taken to the party of all parties by his group of friends, one of whom is played by director Adam Green, to get over his ex-girlfriend, when in reality, he would rather be home, probably wanting to create the newest hit videogame. He ditches the group and brings his friend, Marcus, with him. Ben had been told of an awesome haunted boat tour, and once he found the place, he was greeted by yet another horror vet: Candyman himself, Tony Todd. He tells the boys he doesn’t do any more tours since he was sued and directs them to someone else who will do it at Marie Laveau’s House of Voodoo, led by tour guide Shawn, who has an accent just as bad as those in True Blood.

On the tour bus, we are introduced to the characters we will spend the majority of our time with until they get axed, that is. There’s our Girls Gone Wild knockoff trio Jenna, Misty, and Murray brother Doug Shapiro. While technically not horror, folks who grew up in the 90s may recognize Mercedes McNab’s Misty from both Addams Family flicks. Rounding off the cast are elderly couple Jim and Shannon and our obvious final girl, Marybeth.

Once they get on the boat, everyone quickly learns Shawn may not be the tour guide he says he is as he crashes the boat. They are forced to get off and head into the woods to look for help. Marybeth reveals she is only on the tour to look for her missing father and brother, the ones killed in the opening, and tells the legend of Victor Crowley. Victor was a deformed boy who was kept hidden by his father, played by fan-favorite Jason actor Kane Hodder. One night, some kids decide to scare Victor by throwing fireworks into his home, which sets it on fire. Trying to free his son, the dad takes a hatchet and breaks down the door. However, the blade busts through the door and kills Victor.

As it turns out, they are in front of the Crowley house, and this is where a good slasher movie becomes great. Throughout the remaining back half of the film, our cast gets taken out by Victor Crowley in the gnarliest of ways until only Ben and Marybeth remain. The pair end up impaling Victor and escape to her dad’s boat feeling Victor-ious. But naturally, the movie ends with one last scare as Victor emerges from the swamp. It’s a pretty simple plot, right? So, what separates this movie from the slew of other slasher films of the 2000s that disappear to the floor of your local Dollar Tree? Let’s start with Victor Crowley.

If there’s one thing the 80s gave us, it’s a great iconic slasher villain. Freddy, Jason, Chucky, Pinhead. They are the ones who survived and who we all still talk about to this day. The 90s gave birth to Ghostface, and sure, I’ll throw the Leprechaun into the mix, but nothing much else. I can hear people screaming Urban Legend and the Fisherman from I Know What You Did Last Summer now, but really, do you see anyone dress up like them for Halloween? What the 2000s was sorely lacking was a return to the slasher feel of the 80s with a killer who would stand out amongst the rest who tried… looking at you, Cupid from Valentine. And that’s what we got with Victor Crowley. With him, we got a rich enough backstory, terrific make-up with no mask needed, insane kills, and no mystery about who the killer is. He’s just a good old-fashioned killing machine who has three sequels of his own. While many of you will say he’s best as Jason, Kane Hodder is Victor Crowley all the way.

And speaking of kills, there are plenty. Adam Green had a rule when making this film, and it was to have no CGI. These kills are all practical effects, baby. And if you folks are playing this at home, let’s rip into them and see why each one kicks so much ass. After the two from the opening, we get our first kill 45 minutes in, along with the reveal of an adult Victor. After old man Jim gets bitten by a gator, he and his wife head to the house to look for help. Suddenly, Victor emerges from the shadows of the entrance and chases down Jim. No walking for this hulking figure as he chops into Jim. And holy shit, it’s brutal the way he just constantly brings that axe down. There’s absolutely no way he can make a “Jump to Conclusions Mat” after this. But it’s not as brutal as what happens to the wife. While trying to run away, Victor catches up to her and unhinges her face like an oyster. Even though you know a kill is about to happen with the well-paced tension and musical cues, it’s unfortunate the first of the group to go are the sweet old folks. Next up on the chopping block five minutes later is the sleazy Joe Francis stand-in, Doug Shapiro, whose real name is Samuel Barret. After fleeing from the group to only help himself, it’s natural he’d be next on the list. And really, I feel this slimy bastard does the most cardio of the entire group. After hiding in a bush, Doug feels the coast is clear and runs out immediately into Victor, who points his head in the direction he should have been running.

So, it’s been a while since I’ve seen this film until recently. This next kill legit scared the shit out of me. So, if it’s been a while for you and you want to go in fresh, jump this video up about 30 seconds.

Since Doug felt he should come first, that only means his Bayou Beavers are after him. While Ben and Marybeth separate, they leave Marcus, Shawn, Misty, and Jenna behind. A rustling suddenly happens in a bush behind Jenna. All four begin to debate who should check out the noise, which is the one thing you shouldn’t do in these flicks. Marcus gets nominated to check it out, which turns out to be a cute little misdirection. And then, a shit-your-pants jump scare. Seriously. My voice hit an octave I hadn’t been able to hit since I was a child. Crowley takes a belt sander and shaves down this Bayou Beaver and then chops off the head of Shawn with a shovel. While it may not be the best kill in the film (that one goes to the old folks), it is definitely the best scene in the movie. What makes this scene rock so hard is a nice blend of comedy, misdirection, and pure terror in a long take. The lack of music cues to make us jump makes it work even more and reminds me of a similar scene in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. And once they get away, and you think you have time to breathe, something else happens just two minutes later. Shit, man. Now you can breathe a minute. Unfortunately, Misty’s kill is offscreen. And this painfully brings me to the final kill.

Deon Richmond’s Marcus is, by far, my favorite character in the movie. Not only is he the comic relief, but he’s also the smartest character who should have survived. Let’s get into it. With a mere 7 minutes left in the film, one would think everyone makes it out alive with the burning of Victor Crowley. They all find a way to escape to freedom when he jumps out of nowhere. Jesus. Just look at how badass he looks. He catches up with Marcus and gives him the Jax from Mortal Kombat treatment. And if that wasn’t enough, in an homage to Kane Hodder’s famous kill from Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, he takes Marcus’ body and slams it on a tombstone.

We do get one more Friday the 13th reference with the sweet finale music as the pair of survivors float down the swamp and Crowley blasts out the water. However, even though Ben looks dead as shit here, we end up seeing his fate in Hatchet III. As for Marybeth? Well, Victor Crowley scares this poor girl so badly that she ends up changing into a better actress for the next one.

And that’s it. If you want to play the game at home using my rules, here’s the Party Movie Talley. You have: – 3 Horror Cameos – 4 Mentions of Ben’s Ex – 4 Gator Sightings – 15 Mentions of Victor Crowley – 3 Accent Changes from Shawn – 15 Breasts – And finally, 9 Kills from Victor Crowley

Hatchet was released in 2006 with a festival run and released on DVD in late 2007, which is when I picked it up. Fans went absolutely nuts for this film and eventually generated sequels that are just as fun. What was your favorite kill in this movie, and what would you like us to cover next? Leave us a comment, and we will see you on the next one.

A couple previous episodes of the Best Horror Party Movies series can be seen below. To see more, and to check out some of our other shows, head over to the JoBlo Horror Originals YouTube channel – and subscribe while you’re there!

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