When The Crow emerged thirty years ago, it changed how audiences could perceive graphic novel adaptations. It was dark, gritty, violent, and well ahead of its time. On top of that, it had one of the best soundtracks of the decade. However, it also spawned some pretty bad sequels. After the release of the last one two decades ago, it seemed just as long for a remake of the original to come to fruition, with multiple actors and directors coming and going. Finally, after all that time, we got to see exactly what The Crow would look like in 2024. The reactions have been, well, let’s just say a little more less than enthused. But what if I told you there was one you probably forgot about? One that has the most bonkers casting out of the entire franchise. One that misses the mark by such a wide margin that it will make the new SoundCloud Crow look revolutionary. I’m Mike Conway for JoBlo Horror, and I’m going to talk about all of this and more as we go back to 2005 with The Crow: Wicked Prayer (watch it HERE) today on Horror Party Movies.

Wicked Prayer follows the story of Jimmy Cuervo, a former convict struggling to make ends meet in a contaminated mining town nestled within a reservation, who teeters on the brink of completing his probation. Dreaming of a fresh start with his beloved Lily, he plans to bid farewell to the town’s woes. However, his aspirations are shattered when Luc Crash and Lola Byrne, leaders of a local Satanic biker gang, execute Jimmy and Lily in a ritual aimed at summoning the Antichrist. Reanimated by the Crow’s mystical intervention, Jimmy embarks on a solitary quest for retribution. His path inexorably converges with El Nino, the gang’s enigmatic leader, as he seeks to avenge the heinous acts perpetrated against him and his love. Sounds awesome, right? Oh boy, just you wait.

So, how “party” is this movie? According to my scale, this hits the top of the charts as one of the partiest of them all. And as always, I’ll be making a drink to tie in with the movie. And I’ll show you how to make it. Trust me, you’re going to need it.

WICKED PALOMA

2 OZ TEQUILA

½ OZ JALAPENO SIMPLE SYRUP

3 OZ GRAPEFRUIT SODA

3/4 OZ LIME JUICE

TAJIN RIM

“Do people ever really play the drinking game?” You’ll need to with this one. Honestly, you could just settle for several cervezas.

THE RULES

As with any game, there are some basic rules you can follow or modify. For today’s game, take a drink when:

A crow appears onscreen.

Every time there is a flashback.

When Danny Trejo does his Crow dance

When Dennis Hopper says “shorty”

With any kill

If alcohol isn’t your bag, there are plenty of other things to choose from. Cannabis, if legal in your state, delta 8, 9, 10, or whatever the hell number they’re at now, caffeine, hot sauce, anything. Just know your tolerance. This is supposed to be fun; we don’t want to send you to the hospital. Basically, don’t be a dumbass.

So, does The Crow: Wicked Prayer cross the “so bad, it’s good” line? Screw the cocktail, gather some friends, crack open some cheap beer, and let’s dive right into this piece of shit.

The movie starts immediately trying to be a Robert Rodriguez flick, complete with zoom-ins and a southwestern-type score. We also get introduced to the movie’s villains, as if it were a cut scene from a video game. Yeah, it tells you their names, but trust me, you won’t remember them. But for the sake of following along, they are named after the four horsemen, and I’m not talking about Flair, the Andersons, and Blanchard. There’s Famine, War, and Pestilence. And they’re here for one thing only: Revenge. Revenge of what exactly? I don’t know. Anyway, these dudes, along with a woman named Lola Byrne, infiltrate a prison cleanup crew and free their leader and the most handsome prisoner you’ll ever see, Luc Crash. After pretending to set a priest on fire, Luc turns to Lola to pop the question. Sorry, filmmakers, but there’s only room for one Crash and Burn in this town. Hackers of the world unite!

We then meet Jimmy Cuervo, who lives in a dump of a trailer and is just trying to get by. However, in this town, everyone around him thinks he killed someone and treats him like trash. One person who doesn’t believe a word of this nonsense is Lilly, Jimmy’s girlfriend. After giving a speech about the legend of the crow, out of fucking nowhere, at her father’s blueprint of a casino unveiling, Jimmy tells her his parole will be up at midnight, and he wants them both to leave town. Something tells me to doubt it.

Later that day, Jimmy suits up with some fresh roses and an engagement ring and bikes down to Lilly’s work, looking like Billy the Puppet from Saw. However, when he gets there, he’s greeted by Lola and the rest of the gang. They wrap a noose around Jimmy and Lilly and take out Lilly’s eyes before hanging them both. Luc then performs a Mortal Kombat fatality on Jimmy by removing his heart. After some satanic chanting, the number of the beast appears on Luc’s chest.

Okay, that’s enough with the summary. if you’ve seen even one of these movies, you know where this will go from here. But this entire plot is so jumbled. There’s something about a town of miners, a casino being built, a dude trying to be the antichrist, and apparently, Jimmy killed somebody. Honestly, for a bit, I had no idea what the fuck was going on because I was accidentally watching this with the Italian track. I was like, they must be going for some spaghetti western vibe…for TEN MINUTES! Look, I’m not a dumbass. I’ve heard this was really bad, so I just thought there was bad dubbing in Spanish. I didn’t know it was Italian. I took German in high school. Anyway, I went back, started it over, and laughed just as hard at the awful dialogue. Good god.

Before I get right into how bad this thing is, I want to start with some positives.I appreciated how this film took a complete 180 from the others by placing it in a desert setting instead of the dark gothic city vibes from the previous films. I mean, if you’re going to tell the same story, try to make it different, I guess. Another positive is casting Edward Furlong as the lead. If you’re like me and skipped this movie when it came out solely because Eddie F was on that horrendous cover, then you’ll be pleased to know he does a great job. Despite the dumb shit written for him, he at least gives it his all and never looks bored. When I was a kid in the 90s, this dude was the coolest. T2, Pet Sematary 2, Brainscan, Pecker, Detroit Rock City. The guy owned, but the fact that he was cast in a direct-to-video Crow sequel was laughable. Nonetheless, he rocked. I can’t say the same for his barber, though. That’s all the positives I can give this. Crack open another one, and let’s get into the fun stuff.

First, let’s talk about how completely random and bonkers the cast is. Apart from John Conner, Kid Part II, David Boreanaz now playing Death, and freaking Dennis Hopper. How the hell did they agree to this script? Mind you, three people wrote this. The script tries its best to sound poetic but delivers some of the most asinine and laughable dialogue. And one of those dudes behind this dumpster fire wrote and directed Six String Samurai. What? Never heard of this obscure film from the 90s? Jesus, now I’m sounding like a hipster.

First, we have Boreanez fresh off of Angel. More like fresh off of angel dust because this dude looks like he snorted a huge line before every take. It’s the kind of commitment to a role that would make Nic Cage say, “Whoa, buddy, take it down a notch.” This is seriously a movie where the gangs for Satan chill and eat deviled eggs. Then you have Tara Reid. Poor Tara Reid. I don’t think she’s a bad actress at all, so I have no idea why the hell she succumbs to the world of D-List movies. Looking at her filmography, it looks like it all started with this one. Her character makes no sense. First, she’s down with Satan, and then she’s down with the Jesus. Unfortunately, she comes off as bored, and there are some areas where she looks like she made a mistake being in this.

Then, we have the most completely out-of-left-field casting I’ve ever seen. Dennis Hopper. He plays the head of the order, El Nino. However, when his name comes out of his mouth, he sounds like that drunk relative at a party who’s kinda racist and tries to say something Spanish. Hopper was a legend, and I’m willing to bet he knew what movie he was in and just there to collect a check. But damn, that doesn’t mean we get anything lazy from him. Hearing him call women “shortys” had me rolling the entire time. Especially when he performs the wedding ceremony for Lola and Luc, who is now Lucifer… don’t ask.

I spoke about how great Furlong was as an actor, but something changes when he becomes The Crow. It’s not his fault. For instance, he puts his crow makeup on with a sharpie and looks like he has shopped the clearance section of Hot Topic. The action, or lack thereof, is comically absurd to the point where the hits look more believable during a pro wrestling match. And even though the final showdown between Luc and Jimmy at least has some style, it all gets ruined by a single line uttered by Jimmy. “Quoth the Raven Nevermore, motherfucker.” This is that type of golden cheese you’ll find throughout this movie. Hey, at least Furlong has something in common with Reid: they both were in Uwe Boll films. Here’s hoping Eddie gets a career resurgence.

Lastly, I have to mention Danny Trejo. I have no idea why this character is important to the story other than this one single scene. He’s the father of Lilly and has been on the hunt for her killer, whom he still believes is Jimmy. But when he realizes Jimmy is The Crow, and the actual crow dies, Trejo removes his shirt to show us all his tats and performs the silliest resurrection dance.

Really, the level of ridiculousness in this movie is so high that it would take as long as the film itself to talk about it. The movie came out in 2005 straight to video, with a 0 on Rotten Tomatoes. It was the final film of the series until recently, with the remake. I know people are getting mad about the new one. “They’re shitting on Brandon’s legacy by making him Eric Draven.” Don’t forget they already shat on that in 1998 with The Crow: Stairway to Heaven. One thing is for certain: as bad as the sequels are, The Crow: Wicked Prayer kept me entertained throughout its entire runtime. Grab some of your best friends, and have a blast with it.

A couple previous episodes of the Best Horror Party Movies series can be seen below. To see more, and to check out some of our other shows, head over to the JoBlo Horror Originals YouTube channel – and subscribe while you’re there!

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